To feel and to learn.

Feelings are important to decide quickly. But they’re based on all kind of stuff and sometimes they can trick you to do something which is actually not good for you. Or people around you. Especially when you experience something new, it’s important to learn what your feelings are telling you and most importantly why they do so. When you know that you can make a better decision or calm down a bit. In the following text I connect several smaller stories and talk about the feeling which is right now everywhere: fear. But also why I am feeling fine.

Right now we’re in some kind of crisis. A crises caused by a virus which seemed to be harmless for most people. But there are some facts about that virus which worry me. So far as I know here I don’t have direct contact to people who are on high risk, but since nobody write it on his or her forehead, how should I know? And living next to an epicenter region maybe helped a little to understand faster than others but I was quite ignorant till one week ago. So one of my feelings right now is fear. Fear to infect others and that they don’t get medical care. But as long I stay at home, I am fine and no danger for others, right? But of course sometimes I go out, because I need to. It’s fine when you just go to do some grocery shopping, go to the pharmacy, seeing a doctor or to work. Oh and probably for take a walk with your dog(s) of course). Then you should actually take a paper of self-declaration with you but you also get it, when police is stopping you. You also get it in the train and bus stations, when you need to use bus or train. Some say you also can go out to do sports as long as you stay on your own, don’t do it too long and too far from your home and keeping distance to the others. But in some regions they also started to forbid that, so I wouldn’t take my chances to do so till things are improving. So right now for me it is just going out for buying what I need in my daily life.

But on Monday I was out to get the rest of my stuff. During my moving between accommodations I spent some days in Rome and let one suitcase at a friend’s place. Before I got out I asked myself, is this necessary? Or will I get into trouble when someone stops me and asks why I am out? I still don’t know. I really liked to have my stuff with me, since I don’t know how things develop further and how that will affect me or my friends stay here. What I did know was that there is a fine for 200€ when they decide that I went out unnecessarily and that I really don’t like to get in contact with local police AGAIN.

Wait, what? Again?

During my stay in Rome I got into a police check. I was hanging around near the train and autobus station because I still had time before my departure and my luggage was heavy so I just wanted to sit somewhere in the sun and wait till departure time. Three guys approached me. One in police uniform and two soldiers. Asking for my papers. I gave it to them and tried to answer as good as possible to the questions. Another man nearby was checked too but first they got mine, than his papers, than they finished business with him fast and friendly and he vanished while I still waited to get my papers back. I felt very uncomfortable. They asked me what I am doing there, where I am going, when, etc. If I want to eat some carbonara. I felt confused, asked again, if I understand right, felt irritated when the answer was the same. During the questioning two more men approached. They knew the guy in the police uniform and wanted to drink some coffee with him. They didn’t waited on the side till he finishes his job, no they made the circle around me perfect. I felt trapped. After a while I got my papers back and they left. Still confused I asked a friend who knows Rome better than me what that was about. And then I felt the anger because they did some power games with me. My friend confirmed that suspicion and told me, even this checks are normal, they like to do it when a woman is by herself. And in that moment I knew I didn’t do anything wrong, how will it be, when I am actually not sure if that what I do is allowed? Some days ago some guys I know from a Hostel got some problems because they were outside for smoking.

So I was quite nervous to get my suitcase. On the way to my friend I didn’t saw any police, but looked around me all the time. Nearly nobody was outside. Only some homeless people on the Piazza Verdi (the classical music there still playing which made the situation even more surreal).. They were away in the evening on my way back. But I saw the blue lights of the police cars patrolling. I felt so cared and uncomfortable. To calm myself down I repeated my excuse again and again in my head, always rephrasing to make it better. I was so relieved when I arrived at home. I hope I’ll never have to experience that again. I crossed every show and movie with lockdown from my current watch list, because I know that my fear is based on the bad experience I already had and actually watching too much TV. And the current situations feels so surreal itself, I don’t need to feed my paranoia even more.

But even it sounded a bit like that, fear is not the main feeling for me right now. Since the Italians show best manners in the shopping centres and don’t buy all the toilet paper or pasta or whatever is sold out in your area (people, what is wrong with you?), I feel mostly fine. Also I found an accommodation with a landlord I actually like for a longer period (more expensive than planned), with balcony and herbs garden… so staying home is not that bad anymore (Next postings will be about my search for accommodation. I didn’t wanted to write it while I was still in struggle with it, but now I am fine and can tell you this story). Some things (especially my bank account) worry me, but I decide to worry about them later. So right now I am fine and feel safe. I miss my friends and going out but I try to stay in contact with them all the time, same with my family and in between I try to learn, cook some new dishes and keep myself busy. Sometimes I feel restless and sometimes near a depression, but I also know situation could be worse. And knowing that actually helps.